Real?

The writer on one of the blogs I follow did a post on being "real" on your blog and posed the question "How real are you on your blog?"

I think that's an awesome question!! That goes to the core of my issues with some blogs, or probably the facebook/myspace thing in general. Some people only put the good out there for the world to see. What's the point?! I mean, think about it - you don't see people with facebook statuses that read "getting a divorce right now because I found out my husband is cheating" or "not in a good mood today because we just realized that I suffered a miscarriage". Granted - those aren't exactly things that you share in blanket fashion to the world . . . but if something good happens, people have absolutely no problem posting about a the positive opposites to those above situations. So what are you doing - putting out a half cocked version of yourself for the world to see. I am in no means a pessimist - I'm more of an optimistic realist!! haha - but why is it necessary to portray only a particular version of yourself to the world?! And why share only half of your life? So the world can read it and think that you live in your own perfect little world?!

Now that being said - I keep my family blog pretty positive . . . but mostly because I don't have too much to complain about. And also because I will print it to a book one day for my daughters to look back on . . . but I don't leave out the negative stuff. I've written on there about the issues we've had over the years . . . health of family members, decisions about careers, poop being flung all over my living room and other not completely sunny events :)

So what would my "Real" post say . . . if I wanted the world to see the "real" me . . . trust me, my head is a jumbled up mess of thoughts that I don't think anyone would want to decipher . . . but since I think that there's only one person that reads this blog . . . I'll let it out . . . the "real" me, stream of consciousness . . . .

. . . the real me . . . I wonder every day in almost every minute decision and activity that I do if I am doing what is right and what will yield what I want for tomorrow . . . I wonder if I've lost my drive and ambition for a career . . . and when I think I have, I wonder if that's okay because I want to raise my children . . . I want to have another baby but know it's not the financially responsible thing at this point in my life . . . but does that really matter . . . some days I pat myself on the back for being an above average mother . . . most days I fear that I am missing something . . . should Marlie being tieing her shoes by now . . . why doesn't Samantha feel it's a priority to use the toilet . . . I struggle with my want for a clean orderly perfect house and my need to just step back and let it go . . .I love my children more than words . . . but if I were being honest, I love my husband more than words plus maybe one . . . I try to find the time for my marriage and my husband because one day those beautiful girls will be the independent souls we have taught them to be and I don't want to sit down and wonder who is sitting next to me when I'm not the 24/7 parent anymore . . . I like money - and frankly I think it makes a lot of shit easier - but I don't think it's important enough to take the place of moments in life . . . should I regret turning down $80k because I wanted to spend time at home with my girls . . . so I want money, but I want the time more . . . I'm almost obsessive with the time we spend together as a family because we went without it for so long, too long . . . maybe that will go away in the future, but I hope it doesn't . . . I think we have found our rhythm as a family and it is awesome . . . but like I said, I don't think we're complete . . . which brings me back to that baby thing . . . very prevalent in my mind right now for some reason . . . . but I've gotten scared by friends having miscarriages lately . . . I've also been encouraged by friends having babies . . . will I ever completely shake my inherent horrible habit of comparing myself to other people . . . maybe if I meditate enough . . . .

And that is just 3 minutes inside my head . . . that is why I do not take bubble baths and have to completely block my mind when meditating . . . because me and my thoughts alone are enough to drive myself nuts . . . .