Thursday, May 13, 2010

Buddha Nature

I have a necklace that I used to wear every day (until I received a new one with sentimental value for Mother's Day). It was a circle that folded into itself on one end and flowed out with an openness on the other and had the following words inscribed on it:

All the strength you need is right there inside you

That is a major basis of my life philosophy . . . it is one of the main reasons that Christianity doesn't work for me. To look to an external source for strength, happiness, comfort, or a myriad of other emotional build-ups just seems so contradictory to my innate sense of being.

Buddha Nature is very roughly the idea that inside everyone exists a perfect Buddha. All we have to do (and I don't mean to make it sound simple) is look inside ourselves and realize it. Look inside and know that we can be our own strength and comfort.

This has proven to be difficult for me at times. There are times when so much shit has rained down on me that I've quite honestly stopped myself and wished that I could believe in something like a God to take some of the burden off of me. I wished I could believe that it would be okay because my life was in the hands of some transcendent being's "hands". Unfortunately, I have a mind that works in different ways, and I can't believe that. But it can be damn tough to remember that I have what I need inside of me . . . I have the strength that it takes and the Buddha Nature necessary to realize peace and be mindful.

I have been struggling lately to remember this. That ever present term of modern life - fulfillment - has been rearing it's ugly head. Am I really going to be fulfilled as a SAHM? Am I really going to be fulfilled in my new career choice? Is it going to be enough fulfillment to raise my children to compensate for the decrease in income?

I truly and literally HATE that word!!!! It's not endless achievements or things that are going to make me complete, or for goodness sakes FULFILLED! It's the peace and calm of living a mindful life . . . and that is something I have the ability to create . . . and I have the strength, right here inside of me . . .

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Coming to Terms

UGH - this is not really philosophical at all, but I have to rant to work out how I am feeling right now.

One of my dearest friends who is married to my husband's best friend just told me today that over the weekend she miscarried. Now, this is their 3rd baby so is there is some silver lining that she has 2 beautiful children to look at and find some comfort. But it just hit me so hard when I was trying to find the words to say . . . I am not one that generally lacks words or phrases in any discussion!

I don't know whether to go to my logical place and say that this was an event - and treat it exclusive in itself as that. Or to appeal to my other side that says there was a reason, because causally everything in this universe is connected - but 3 seconds of that mode generally sends my head into a tailspin!

I think I have to take the advice I gave her and look at my own beautiful little girls and find peace . . .

On another note, I am finding difficulty in my position right now. I am pretty certain that my staying home with the girls is bringing out my own characteristics that I feel I am totally lacking in. Even though I consider myself moderately intelligent, I have a serious lack of confidence in my ability to teach my girls. Clearly, something is working, because they are both scary smart - but I just don't ever feel like I am doing/showing/teaching/playing enough!

But as I finished typing that, I took a deep breath and realized that is part of me - I will always want to do more for them - my expectations of myself in being their mother are higher than most goals I place for myself . . . but in the end, the beauty will be in the attempt and the journey - because of course it will never be enough to me . . . but if they look at me every day and say "I love you Mommy" with a smile, maybe it's enough for them . . .and sometimes it's not about me!!! :)

And that is the end of today's personal therapy session . . . .