Sunday, April 18, 2010

Identifying the Lesson

I happened to be on the chapter highlighting finding the calm and realizing the lessons in situations and read this:

I have to learn the lessons of humility, which is why I find myself at this time, confined to domesticity, out of networks, beyond a "reputation" I had established, trying hard to find out who to be in this new place. Unnoticed, a non-earner, the epitome of everything I never wanted to be (at home, a full time mom, dependent on a man). I find that there are many gifts in this space of quiet pausing between who I was and who I will become.

This was written by a woman who had an established career and left it to move with her family for her husband's career . . . sounds like a familiar story to me at this point in my life!!

I have been struggling a little with my own thoughts on this. While I love and adore my children, and they are my world, I have never been the woman that longed to stay at home with them. I don't know if this comes from my own insecurities about being the only caregiver and educator - like I think someone else who's licensed would be a better option?! Or if it's just that I need blocks of time when I am able to concentrate on a job other than being a mother?!

Well . . . now I have been put in that situation. And the passage above is so true - I have now become the epitome of what I never wanted to be. But, I am also able to see those gifts. I see who I have been and I know what I want to be in the future . . . so now is the time to be mindful of my moments, and take each and every day to live the actions to develop the character that I want my children to look back and remember. I will sit back and be mindful of my interactions with my daughters . . . I will remember to meditate . . . and I will remember that emotions are just like everything else in the world - they too are subject to the impermanence of life . . . so I will treat them as such.

The beauty of motherhood - it makes you question all of your values and it turns some of your opinions completely upside down. Forget college . . . . welcome to the world's greatest learning experience . . .

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Take a Breath

It's almost sad that I sang the Elmo song "Take a Breath" when I typed that title . . . but not so much sad as just a telling commentary of my life!!

I am feeling a little overwhelmed with all that is on my plate right now. HA! I just spent 4 of the last 8 months as a single parent, and NOW I am feeling overwhelmed. I find a great sense of peace that our family is together now . . . and I am adapting to the fact that my career is going away and being replaced by another . . . but these are the top 10 things that are going through my head right now - and it's only 7:30am
  1. Jillian Michaels is not my friend - but if this remaining 18lbs comes off, I will let her slide since she made a workout video that I can do in 20 min . . .even though I now feel like I can't really move
  2. Why can I not find more time to read?!?!?
  3. How in the heck am I supposed to build a business when I don't like soliciting? I like the people side, and I can sell . . . but you see, I need the people!
  4. 45 days until the beach - 18 lbs in 6 weeks should be doable - can you tell I am all of a sudden very tired of my remaining baby weight! And if 18lbs seems like all of my baby weight, take into account the following numbers: I was 265lbs the day Marlie was born and 188 the day I found out I was prego with Sam - then 245lbs the day Sam was born - I'm down to 184 - 166 is the goal!!
  5. I seriously need to work on my spirituality - but I am moving forward - finding the calm and Zen in the everyday life - you try doing a load of laundry and finding peace - I'm trying, and it's working
  6. If our house does not sell by the end of May, then it's going to be savings dipping time - this does not thrill me
  7. I am now paying for people to mow my lawn in Clarksville and in Knoxville at the same time - again with money going out the door
  8. Am I teaching my girls enough?!! Is there enough educational output going into their brains each day . . . this boils down to my constant fear that I am not doing enough - that fear subsides when my daughter looks at me out of the blue and says "I love you Mom" - luckily she says it often so the doubt can't creep in!
  9. I am grateful and confident in my decision to move every time my husband comes home happy from work - and on time! He has earned it and I am thankful that he has that
  10. I realized that in a few short weeks I will not answer to anyone on the professional front - I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders . . . now I have only myself to blame/thank for my success/failure . . . . weight back on!
So now it's written . . . I've typed it out . . . and as the phrase goes . . . RELEASE AND BE AT PEACE . . . and take a breath . . . .

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The Current Book

Turns out that I may have lost my ability to read anything without pictures or pop-ups . . . or maybe that I've just lot the time and quiet to do it!!

This is the current book that I am going through and so far LOVE!!!!! I've never thought about the fact that as a group, mothers would be the most familiar with the Buddhist sense of suffering! It's so true - because there are times when you give it all up and suffer for your children. And also that the love between a mother and child can exemplify the form of pure love and understanding that prevails through all of Buddhism.

I can't wait to keep diving into this book - but I have to keep stopping to remind myself of things like precepts, tenets, parts of the eightfold path and the noble truths . . . it's a reeducation!