Saturday, June 5, 2010

Finding the Peace

This last year of my life has been a challenging one . . . but I am able to look back and see the lessons, so I guess that makes it a good one. My defining point was Jayson starting a new job and leaving for 10 weeks, followed by a life threatening surgery for my Mother, a stint in Children's Hospital with Samantha, Jayson losing his job, moving to a new city, dealing with a house that won't sell, my losing my job, and coming to terms with my place in our redesigned life! And those are seriously just the highlights . . .

I was fortunate to have ample time to read (and ample in my book is any 30 minute block of time) while we were at the beach. It has helped me with meditating and finding peace right now.

You see, I have always been a planner. I was going to be a lawyer when I was 5 - so I majored in Poli Sci in college (luckily gained perspective enough not to head to law school). Both of my daughters have been born in June - that is not an accident. I had a career, children, a wonderful husband, lived in the town I grew up in, and we had a beautiful home. I was good with that . . . or was I?!?! While I thrive on plans and following a path - I also have this sick part of me that thrives on change, chaos, and nothing remaining constant. But it is pulled by what I know to be "right" - well, right as defined by the mainstream.

So I am learning to balance my need for a plan with my love of chaos - I call it organized chaos - it is my home and life on a daily basis :) But the struggle is really what life is all about - the Buddha called it suffering. It is inevitable - but it is manageable. And eventually it all comes to an end . . . and that's really not as morbid as it sounds, it's simply truth. I think that the cliche phrase that will sum it best is "Life sucks and then you die". But the part that is left out is life only sucks sometimes, because you can manage suffering and be happy through it all. And if you see that the bad situations, and the good ones too, will come to an end - it makes the bad a little easier to handle and the good a little easier to absorb while they're occurring.

My top 3 things that I am working on right now and seeing the impermanence of . . .
  1. Our house going into short sale because I just can't do it anymore - maintaining a mortgage and rent while simultaneously dropping down to 1 income?!
  2. Is it okay if for a while I am actually fine with being a SAHM - am I abandoning everything I know with goals for life in a profession or making money to contribute to my house?! Yes - I think it is. After all, I am doing a pretty damn important thing in raising my children - but so did my Mom and she worked 50 hrs a week and was the only parent . . . this is a tough one - like I almost feel a slight sense of stupidity and laziness for just wanting to be a Mom . . . but I am finding the joy in the spot that I'm at. And it's like I told a friend - I have always said your twenties are the time to screw it all up and you can say "I was in my twenties" . . . and I have a full year before I enter what I consider adulthood - my thirties!
  3. Our home - it's funny that our rental feels more like a home than our beautiful house did. I can't explain it - but it's just a gut thing. But it too is not permanent . . . I called my husband at work and asked him to bring me home a salad - the response I got?! "How 'bout I bring you home a salad and the opportunity to move to Chattanooga?" I knew it!!
All in all though . . . I am feeling very at peace right now - I'm not stressing over goals, deadlines, expectations, and things I can't control . . . . and if I were being honest, I would say this is probably the first true time that I've been totally content . . . . I like it . . . . but it probably won't last :) And that's okay! Because content is great - but I want the ups and downs too - because that's what keeps life interesting . . .

No comments:

Post a Comment