Perhaps I Can Come Up With a Relevant Thought

But more than likely not . . .

Let's see - it's been 6 months since I have written a thoughtful blog post . . . I would venture to say it's been about that long since I've had the time and inclination to sit down and come up with a series of coherent thoughts! In the last 6 months I have gone through the last trimester of a pregnancy, a birth, and the first 3 months of an infant's life! Holy shit . . . I'm not sure I even know where the last 6 months have gone . . .

I sit now, though, on a new chapter of life. My oldest daughter is about to venture into the world without me, the world known as kindergarten. I have no concern about her abilities to learn - and, unlike my husband, I'm not sad at the thought of her growing up . . . maybe because I still have a baby to hold or maybe she has always been an old soul to me - I forget most days that she's only 5 . . . and I think she does to! But I worry about the other kids . . . I don't think at 5 "peer pressure" is the right word . . . I think it's more like I am worried about simple bad habits rubbing off on her . . . and then having to correct the absorbption of said habits at home. I realize that this is inevitable as time goes on . . . I just hope that I can handle this next stage as well as I've handled her first five years . . . you know, the ones where I was able to stand by and knee the occassional kid off the slide if they tried to push her ?!?! She doesn't have an easy road ahead of her, unfortunately. I see so much of myself in her that I am afraid I will hold her to the same standards I apply to myself . . . and some people think those can be unfair and harsh . . . but I think she will shine . . . she always has . . .

Simultaneously, I have a new chapter in myself as well. For the first time in 6 years, I am entering the month of August not pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or just finishing a pregnancy and trying to plan the next one . . . HOLY SHIT!!!!! At 30 years old I can attempt to get my body back . . .and hopefully at the same time, a decent replenished mental capacity! ha! It feels like, for a time, we can just live life with our "complete" family without having to worry when to take the next step of expansion - for lack of a better way to describe it - and maybe for a while, not plan for the future (minus retirement and college funds of course - I mean, life can't be all roses and butterflies! )

You see, I have a goal for my wise and authoritative 30's . . . it is to live more days in peace and contentness than not. This is something that most definitely cannot be said of my 20's . . . although then I suppose I could add sobriety to that list! I want to just live my 30's . . . I want to be present in them, because I know they won't last, and my 30's, my adulthood, are my children's childhood. . . and to quote a fabulous movie "I want to just enjoy them without thinking that the present is just some pathetic preamble to the future". So I will try . . . but damn . . . I am going to have to start breathing more . . . because there are days that I just don't have the energy . . . but I have decided, as hard as it can be, as exhausting as it always is right now . . . it will pass, and I will miss it . . . and isn't it better to finish every day completely exhausted rather than to go to bed with energy left from the day that you will waste on sleep when it could've been spent chasing kids around the house and playing 34 games of Memory with your daughter who is really to smart for her own good?! :)

Adapting to Change

I just read a great post about helping children adapt to change and it made me think about my kids. It's fair to say that while I try to keep stability in their life as much as possible, it is inevitable with parents that thrive on change that they are going to experience their fair share of upheavels . . . I mean, while it's a far off non-attainable dream of mine to have a home and live there for 40 years and have my kids and grandkids come home to it - that is not me. I would love that sense of security and that feeling of never having to move again . . . I would like it for about 3 years until it would wear on me . . . I think . . . maybe I would like the opportunity to find out though . . .

Anyway - the post gave tips on getting your children on board with change . . . I can see the value in some of the approaches, however, I've never really had to get my kids on board with changes. We are very routine in our day - the girls know what to expect at each time of the day, and while that routine may at times seem rigid, all it really is to me and them is organized chaos. I think that the structure they have had at every point in their daily life has almost given them the ability to go with the flow in the event that it differs from the norm . . . this is most likely a very unearned and premature pat on my back, but I think that through the routine and the constant of the day to day maybe they have an inner peace that allows change to not rock their boats so much because they know tomorrow will likely be a normal day . . .

This excites me . . . because I don't think twice about changing stuff up and so they don't either. And I think that's completely awesome!!!! Because who wants to be a totally static person?!?! I certainly have learned enough to know that I don't know enough, so I best be willing to give myself the permission and the freedom to change. It seems small, but right now our change is that we are converting our kitchen to a paperless kitchen. It seems weird, but did you know that you can live without paper towels and paper napkins . . . and let me tell you, my dish towels and cloth napkins are sooooo much cuter than any paper one you can find! But I didn't even think twice about it - I just said to myself and Jayson, this is how it's going to be. And last night as Marlie was setting the table she looked at Sam, who found the remaining paper napkins leftover in a drawer she could reach, and very simply said "No Sam, here are the cloth napkins, we really don't need to waste the paper, it hurts the trees" . . . I know it seems like a small thing, but she made the change without even a 2nd thought or question . . . it's the little things like this that will build up over time and make our kids more agreeable to change . . .

I have to find peace in that because it hurts my heart at times to think that they we will move at least a couple more times probably, and I don't want to think I am destroying my child's life when she has to switch schools or make new friends . . . but so far, she's done great . . . and she looks at new things, like a new school, and says "I bet I will meet new people and that could be fun" . . . .

I guess the point of my rambling is that I don't want kids that have to adapt to change - I want kids that embrace change and roll with it . . . because after all, change is the only thing in the universe that is constant, right?!?! :)

When Done Right . . . It's Exhausting

I have all but forced myself into multiple corners requiring patience lately . . . the most recent being taking on the task to potty train Samantha . . . and accepting nothing less than the fact that we were going to finish and do this on this turn! How easy would it have been to just let her stay in diapers until someday down the line she decided on her own that she would go on the potty?! Easy - yes. Economical and developmentally correct - no!

So I got to thinking about how many aspects of motherhood are like this. How if you are truly trying to raise your children and make a difference in their lives and end up with socially aware, kind, intelligent children, this motherhood thing is exhausting. It seems that in so many aspects the easier way (in the beginning) is the way that is going to turn out the child that you probably don't want to claim by the time they hit 5. Is it easier to just let them get their way, do what they want, not remind them about manners 86 times a day, not require thank you's and pleases, let them watch cartoons with no regard for learning - yes, resoundingly to all of those questions! But if you take the exhausting route in the beginning, it gets easier. Because that occassional kid you run in to on the street with manners doesn't have his or her mother reminding to say thank you or open a door . . . but you can bet that Mom probably did remind her child a million times before your encounter. So is it always easy - no . . .but do I already know that it is worth it - yes!

Unfortunately, since we live in the Southern Bible belt, the same can be said about morality and community. Are the basic moral principles of Christianity the same as those that I am teaching my children without using a Christian background or basis - yes. Does it make it that much harder because I don't have a place of support I can go to like a church where there is a community of people sharing in my belief and helping me teach my children - that would be a big hell yes! Every affordable Mother's Day Out program in our town is sponsored for and held at a church . . . and there are times it would be nice to have a little break just once or twice a week - but at what cost?! It is exhausting enough trying to explain secular reasoning for holidays that for most are predominately religiously affiliated . . . but to try and tackle on a weekly basis why something heard is correct but that the logic and story that went along with are not, in my opinion, the most accurate of descriptions . . . it's not worth the break :)

I don't know that I have ever really taken what I would term as the paths of least resistance in my life . . . for the most part . . . so really, why would motherhood be any different? With the upcoming arrival of our third child I am so focused on centered in everything that I can do to make a difference in my children's lives and the community we live in. I have always struggled with finding the career I wanted . . . and funny, while it's mostly pro bono work - I have found something that I am good at, that I love, and that I know makes a difference . . . raising my children. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that this would be my focus . . . could I have made this impact while working another mundane job full time - yes - because I did . . . but I didn't do it as well, and I was letting someone else do my mothering job for a good percentage of the time. It's taken reprioritizing in our life . . . but now that I am here with my kids full time . . . I can't even imagine it any other way . . . even though it's exhausting most days!

The end to this stream of unedited thoughts . . .