But more than likely not . . .
Let's see - it's been 6 months since I have written a thoughtful blog post . . . I would venture to say it's been about that long since I've had the time and inclination to sit down and come up with a series of coherent thoughts! In the last 6 months I have gone through the last trimester of a pregnancy, a birth, and the first 3 months of an infant's life! Holy shit . . . I'm not sure I even know where the last 6 months have gone . . .
I sit now, though, on a new chapter of life. My oldest daughter is about to venture into the world without me, the world known as kindergarten. I have no concern about her abilities to learn - and, unlike my husband, I'm not sad at the thought of her growing up . . . maybe because I still have a baby to hold or maybe she has always been an old soul to me - I forget most days that she's only 5 . . . and I think she does to! But I worry about the other kids . . . I don't think at 5 "peer pressure" is the right word . . . I think it's more like I am worried about simple bad habits rubbing off on her . . . and then having to correct the absorbption of said habits at home. I realize that this is inevitable as time goes on . . . I just hope that I can handle this next stage as well as I've handled her first five years . . . you know, the ones where I was able to stand by and knee the occassional kid off the slide if they tried to push her ?!?! She doesn't have an easy road ahead of her, unfortunately. I see so much of myself in her that I am afraid I will hold her to the same standards I apply to myself . . . and some people think those can be unfair and harsh . . . but I think she will shine . . . she always has . . .
Simultaneously, I have a new chapter in myself as well. For the first time in 6 years, I am entering the month of August not pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or just finishing a pregnancy and trying to plan the next one . . . HOLY SHIT!!!!! At 30 years old I can attempt to get my body back . . .and hopefully at the same time, a decent replenished mental capacity! ha! It feels like, for a time, we can just live life with our "complete" family without having to worry when to take the next step of expansion - for lack of a better way to describe it - and maybe for a while, not plan for the future (minus retirement and college funds of course - I mean, life can't be all roses and butterflies! )
You see, I have a goal for my wise and authoritative 30's . . . it is to live more days in peace and contentness than not. This is something that most definitely cannot be said of my 20's . . . although then I suppose I could add sobriety to that list! I want to just live my 30's . . . I want to be present in them, because I know they won't last, and my 30's, my adulthood, are my children's childhood. . . and to quote a fabulous movie "I want to just enjoy them without thinking that the present is just some pathetic preamble to the future". So I will try . . . but damn . . . I am going to have to start breathing more . . . because there are days that I just don't have the energy . . . but I have decided, as hard as it can be, as exhausting as it always is right now . . . it will pass, and I will miss it . . . and isn't it better to finish every day completely exhausted rather than to go to bed with energy left from the day that you will waste on sleep when it could've been spent chasing kids around the house and playing 34 games of Memory with your daughter who is really to smart for her own good?! :)
2 months ago