Real?

The writer on one of the blogs I follow did a post on being "real" on your blog and posed the question "How real are you on your blog?"

I think that's an awesome question!! That goes to the core of my issues with some blogs, or probably the facebook/myspace thing in general. Some people only put the good out there for the world to see. What's the point?! I mean, think about it - you don't see people with facebook statuses that read "getting a divorce right now because I found out my husband is cheating" or "not in a good mood today because we just realized that I suffered a miscarriage". Granted - those aren't exactly things that you share in blanket fashion to the world . . . but if something good happens, people have absolutely no problem posting about a the positive opposites to those above situations. So what are you doing - putting out a half cocked version of yourself for the world to see. I am in no means a pessimist - I'm more of an optimistic realist!! haha - but why is it necessary to portray only a particular version of yourself to the world?! And why share only half of your life? So the world can read it and think that you live in your own perfect little world?!

Now that being said - I keep my family blog pretty positive . . . but mostly because I don't have too much to complain about. And also because I will print it to a book one day for my daughters to look back on . . . but I don't leave out the negative stuff. I've written on there about the issues we've had over the years . . . health of family members, decisions about careers, poop being flung all over my living room and other not completely sunny events :)

So what would my "Real" post say . . . if I wanted the world to see the "real" me . . . trust me, my head is a jumbled up mess of thoughts that I don't think anyone would want to decipher . . . but since I think that there's only one person that reads this blog . . . I'll let it out . . . the "real" me, stream of consciousness . . . .

. . . the real me . . . I wonder every day in almost every minute decision and activity that I do if I am doing what is right and what will yield what I want for tomorrow . . . I wonder if I've lost my drive and ambition for a career . . . and when I think I have, I wonder if that's okay because I want to raise my children . . . I want to have another baby but know it's not the financially responsible thing at this point in my life . . . but does that really matter . . . some days I pat myself on the back for being an above average mother . . . most days I fear that I am missing something . . . should Marlie being tieing her shoes by now . . . why doesn't Samantha feel it's a priority to use the toilet . . . I struggle with my want for a clean orderly perfect house and my need to just step back and let it go . . .I love my children more than words . . . but if I were being honest, I love my husband more than words plus maybe one . . . I try to find the time for my marriage and my husband because one day those beautiful girls will be the independent souls we have taught them to be and I don't want to sit down and wonder who is sitting next to me when I'm not the 24/7 parent anymore . . . I like money - and frankly I think it makes a lot of shit easier - but I don't think it's important enough to take the place of moments in life . . . should I regret turning down $80k because I wanted to spend time at home with my girls . . . so I want money, but I want the time more . . . I'm almost obsessive with the time we spend together as a family because we went without it for so long, too long . . . maybe that will go away in the future, but I hope it doesn't . . . I think we have found our rhythm as a family and it is awesome . . . but like I said, I don't think we're complete . . . which brings me back to that baby thing . . . very prevalent in my mind right now for some reason . . . . but I've gotten scared by friends having miscarriages lately . . . I've also been encouraged by friends having babies . . . will I ever completely shake my inherent horrible habit of comparing myself to other people . . . maybe if I meditate enough . . . .

And that is just 3 minutes inside my head . . . that is why I do not take bubble baths and have to completely block my mind when meditating . . . because me and my thoughts alone are enough to drive myself nuts . . . .

Finding the Peace

This last year of my life has been a challenging one . . . but I am able to look back and see the lessons, so I guess that makes it a good one. My defining point was Jayson starting a new job and leaving for 10 weeks, followed by a life threatening surgery for my Mother, a stint in Children's Hospital with Samantha, Jayson losing his job, moving to a new city, dealing with a house that won't sell, my losing my job, and coming to terms with my place in our redesigned life! And those are seriously just the highlights . . .

I was fortunate to have ample time to read (and ample in my book is any 30 minute block of time) while we were at the beach. It has helped me with meditating and finding peace right now.

You see, I have always been a planner. I was going to be a lawyer when I was 5 - so I majored in Poli Sci in college (luckily gained perspective enough not to head to law school). Both of my daughters have been born in June - that is not an accident. I had a career, children, a wonderful husband, lived in the town I grew up in, and we had a beautiful home. I was good with that . . . or was I?!?! While I thrive on plans and following a path - I also have this sick part of me that thrives on change, chaos, and nothing remaining constant. But it is pulled by what I know to be "right" - well, right as defined by the mainstream.

So I am learning to balance my need for a plan with my love of chaos - I call it organized chaos - it is my home and life on a daily basis :) But the struggle is really what life is all about - the Buddha called it suffering. It is inevitable - but it is manageable. And eventually it all comes to an end . . . and that's really not as morbid as it sounds, it's simply truth. I think that the cliche phrase that will sum it best is "Life sucks and then you die". But the part that is left out is life only sucks sometimes, because you can manage suffering and be happy through it all. And if you see that the bad situations, and the good ones too, will come to an end - it makes the bad a little easier to handle and the good a little easier to absorb while they're occurring.

My top 3 things that I am working on right now and seeing the impermanence of . . .

1. Our house going into short sale because I just can't do it anymore - maintaining a mortgage and rent while simultaneously dropping down to 1 income?!
2. Is it okay if for a while I am actually fine with being a SAHM - am I abandoning everything I know with goals for life in a profession or making money to contribute to my house?! Yes - I think it is. After all, I am doing a pretty damn important thing in raising my children - but so did my Mom and she worked 50 hrs a week and was the only parent . . . this is a tough one - like I almost feel a slight sense of stupidity and laziness for just wanting to be a Mom . . . but I am finding the joy in the spot that I'm at. And it's like I told a friend - I have always said your twenties are the time to screw it all up and you can say "I was in my twenties" . . . and I have a full year before I enter what I consider adulthood - my thirties!
3. Our home - it's funny that our rental feels more like a home than our beautiful house did. I can't explain it - but it's just a gut thing. But it too is not permanent . . . I called my husband at work and asked him to bring me home a salad - the response I got?! "How 'bout I bring you home a salad and the opportunity to move to Chattanooga?" I knew it!!

All in all though . . . I am feeling very at peace right now - I'm not stressing over goals, deadlines, expectations, and things I can't control . . . . and if I were being honest, I would say this is probably the first true time that I've been totally content . . . . I like it . . . . but it probably won't last :) And that's okay! Because content is great - but I want the ups and downs too - because that's what keeps life interesting . . .