Thursday, October 14, 2010

Have I Stopped Thinking?!

HA! 3 months without a post . . . one might think that I have stopped using my brain . . . but nope, that's not the case. The truth is my mind has found a sense of peace.

Over the last several months I have forced myself to find time to read . . . and form a coherent thought. It really caused me to lay out the jumbled mess that was my head ever since our world started turning in December of last year. I had mentioned before that for some reason I all of a sudden at the snap of a finger one day felt the urge and desire to have another baby. I couldn't explain why . . . but it was there. Well, a funny thing happened . . . one day I knew I was pregnant - 6 days before there was any chance of seeing it on a test . . . and a calm washed over me that I cannot explain.

In my world and my life I see one of my purposes for existence as being a mother . . . but for a long time I have wrestled with that being my only purpose - surely not! And while I have come to realize that in my view no one has a sole purpose - it seems impossible to have 1 purpose when every action you take can affect so many people and circumstances in this life and in the universe as a whole - motherhood for me is my main purpose. It is the one thing that no matter how tired it makes me, how frustrated I can be, how completely useless and worthless I can feel at times because no one around me seems to care about my "job" or my "performance" - it is what really brings me the unbridled joy that I have yet to find anywhere else in life . . . besides in my husband's arms . . . .

Knowing that we have created another life - and realizing the immensity of it this time - I have just found calm . . . . and I don't say it often, but I am able to look past the crap and the junk that we have stumbled on and say that on the other side, we have come out stronger and happier . . . and calmer . . . and all I can do is revel in that peace for now and try to live in it - because it's completely against my nature to ever stop and be content and happy . . . but I kinda like it . . . for now . . . .

1 comment: