Coming to Terms

UGH - this is not really philosophical at all, but I have to rant to work out how I am feeling right now.

One of my dearest friends who is married to my husband's best friend just told me today that over the weekend she miscarried. Now, this is their 3rd baby so is there is some silver lining that she has 2 beautiful children to look at and find some comfort. But it just hit me so hard when I was trying to find the words to say . . . I am not one that generally lacks words or phrases in any discussion!

I don't know whether to go to my logical place and say that this was an event - and treat it exclusive in itself as that. Or to appeal to my other side that says there was a reason, because causally everything in this universe is connected - but 3 seconds of that mode generally sends my head into a tailspin!

I think I have to take the advice I gave her and look at my own beautiful little girls and find peace . . .

On another note, I am finding difficulty in my position right now. I am pretty certain that my staying home with the girls is bringing out my own characteristics that I feel I am totally lacking in. Even though I consider myself moderately intelligent, I have a serious lack of confidence in my ability to teach my girls. Clearly, something is working, because they are both scary smart - but I just don't ever feel like I am doing/showing/teaching/playing enough!

But as I finished typing that, I took a deep breath and realized that is part of me - I will always want to do more for them - my expectations of myself in being their mother are higher than most goals I place for myself . . . but in the end, the beauty will be in the attempt and the journey - because of course it will never be enough to me . . . but if they look at me every day and say "I love you Mommy" with a smile, maybe it's enough for them . . .and sometimes it's not about me!!! :)

And that is the end of today's personal therapy session . . . .