Buddha Nature

I have a necklace that I used to wear every day (until I received a new one with sentimental value for Mother's Day). It was a circle that folded into itself on one end and flowed out with an openness on the other and had the following words inscribed on it:

All the strength you need is right there inside you

That is a major basis of my life philosophy . . . it is one of the main reasons that Christianity doesn't work for me. To look to an external source for strength, happiness, comfort, or a myriad of other emotional build-ups just seems so contradictory to my innate sense of being.

Buddha Nature is very roughly the idea that inside everyone exists a perfect Buddha. All we have to do (and I don't mean to make it sound simple) is look inside ourselves and realize it. Look inside and know that we can be our own strength and comfort.

This has proven to be difficult for me at times. There are times when so much shit has rained down on me that I've quite honestly stopped myself and wished that I could believe in something like a God to take some of the burden off of me. I wished I could believe that it would be okay because my life was in the hands of some transcendent being's "hands". Unfortunately, I have a mind that works in different ways, and I can't believe that. But it can be damn tough to remember that I have what I need inside of me . . . I have the strength that it takes and the Buddha Nature necessary to realize peace and be mindful.

I have been struggling lately to remember this. That ever present term of modern life - fulfillment - has been rearing it's ugly head. Am I really going to be fulfilled as a SAHM? Am I really going to be fulfilled in my new career choice? Is it going to be enough fulfillment to raise my children to compensate for the decrease in income?

I truly and literally HATE that word!!!! It's not endless achievements or things that are going to make me complete, or for goodness sakes FULFILLED! It's the peace and calm of living a mindful life . . . and that is something I have the ability to create . . . and I have the strength, right here inside of me . . .

Coming to Terms

UGH - this is not really philosophical at all, but I have to rant to work out how I am feeling right now.

One of my dearest friends who is married to my husband's best friend just told me today that over the weekend she miscarried. Now, this is their 3rd baby so is there is some silver lining that she has 2 beautiful children to look at and find some comfort. But it just hit me so hard when I was trying to find the words to say . . . I am not one that generally lacks words or phrases in any discussion!

I don't know whether to go to my logical place and say that this was an event - and treat it exclusive in itself as that. Or to appeal to my other side that says there was a reason, because causally everything in this universe is connected - but 3 seconds of that mode generally sends my head into a tailspin!

I think I have to take the advice I gave her and look at my own beautiful little girls and find peace . . .

On another note, I am finding difficulty in my position right now. I am pretty certain that my staying home with the girls is bringing out my own characteristics that I feel I am totally lacking in. Even though I consider myself moderately intelligent, I have a serious lack of confidence in my ability to teach my girls. Clearly, something is working, because they are both scary smart - but I just don't ever feel like I am doing/showing/teaching/playing enough!

But as I finished typing that, I took a deep breath and realized that is part of me - I will always want to do more for them - my expectations of myself in being their mother are higher than most goals I place for myself . . . but in the end, the beauty will be in the attempt and the journey - because of course it will never be enough to me . . . but if they look at me every day and say "I love you Mommy" with a smile, maybe it's enough for them . . .and sometimes it's not about me!!! :)

And that is the end of today's personal therapy session . . . .

Identifying the Lesson

I happened to be on the chapter highlighting finding the calm and realizing the lessons in situations and read this:

I have to learn the lessons of humility, which is why I find myself at this time, confined to domesticity, out of networks, beyond a "reputation" I had established, trying hard to find out who to be in this new place. Unnoticed, a non-earner, the epitome of everything I never wanted to be (at home, a full time mom, dependent on a man). I find that there are many gifts in this space of quiet pausing between who I was and who I will become.

This was written by a woman who had an established career and left it to move with her family for her husband's career . . . sounds like a familiar story to me at this point in my life!!

I have been struggling a little with my own thoughts on this. While I love and adore my children, and they are my world, I have never been the woman that longed to stay at home with them. I don't know if this comes from my own insecurities about being the only caregiver and educator - like I think someone else who's licensed would be a better option?! Or if it's just that I need blocks of time when I am able to concentrate on a job other than being a mother?!

Well . . . now I have been put in that situation. And the passage above is so true - I have now become the epitome of what I never wanted to be. But, I am also able to see those gifts. I see who I have been and I know what I want to be in the future . . . so now is the time to be mindful of my moments, and take each and every day to live the actions to develop the character that I want my children to look back and remember. I will sit back and be mindful of my interactions with my daughters . . . I will remember to meditate . . . and I will remember that emotions are just like everything else in the world - they too are subject to the impermanence of life . . . so I will treat them as such.

The beauty of motherhood - it makes you question all of your values and it turns some of your opinions completely upside down. Forget college . . . . welcome to the world's greatest learning experience . . .

Take a Breath

It's almost sad that I sang the Elmo song "Take a Breath" when I typed that title . . . but not so much sad as just a telling commentary of my life!!

I am feeling a little overwhelmed with all that is on my plate right now. HA! I just spent 4 of the last 8 months as a single parent, and NOW I am feeling overwhelmed. I find a great sense of peace that our family is together now . . . and I am adapting to the fact that my career is going away and being replaced by another . . . but these are the top 10 things that are going through my head right now - and it's only 7:30am

1. Jillian Michaels is not my friend - but if this remaining 18lbs comes off, I will let her slide since she made a workout video that I can do in 20 min . . .even though I now feel like I can't really move
2. Why can I not find more time to read?!?!?
3. How in the heck am I supposed to build a business when I don't like soliciting? I like the people side, and I can sell . . . but you see, I need the people!
4. 45 days until the beach - 18 lbs in 6 weeks should be doable - can you tell I am all of a sudden very tired of my remaining baby weight! And if 18lbs seems like all of my baby weight, take into account the following numbers: I was 265lbs the day Marlie was born and 188 the day I found out I was prego with Sam - then 245lbs the day Sam was born - I'm down to 184 - 166 is the goal!!
5. I seriously need to work on my spirituality - but I am moving forward - finding the calm and Zen in the everyday life - you try doing a load of laundry and finding peace - I'm trying, and it's working
6. If our house does not sell by the end of May, then it's going to be savings dipping time - this does not thrill me
7. I am now paying for people to mow my lawn in Clarksville and in Knoxville at the same time - again with money going out the door
8. Am I teaching my girls enough?!! Is there enough educational output going into their brains each day . . . this boils down to my constant fear that I am not doing enough - that fear subsides when my daughter looks at me out of the blue and says "I love you Mom" - luckily she says it often so the doubt can't creep in!
9. I am grateful and confident in my decision to move every time my husband comes home happy from work - and on time! He has earned it and I am thankful that he has that
10. I realized that in a few short weeks I will not answer to anyone on the professional front - I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders . . . now I have only myself to blame/thank for my success/failure . . . . weight back on!

So now it's written . . . I've typed it out . . . and as the phrase goes . . . RELEASE AND BE AT PEACE . . . and take a breath . . . .

The Current Book

Turns out that I may have lost my ability to read anything without pictures or pop-ups . . . or maybe that I've just lot the time and quiet to do it!!

This is the current book that I am going through and so far LOVE!!!!! I've never thought about the fact that as a group, mothers would be the most familiar with the Buddhist sense of suffering! It's so true - because there are times when you give it all up and suffer for your children. And also that the love between a mother and child can exemplify the form of pure love and understanding that prevails through all of Buddhism.

I can't wait to keep diving into this book - but I have to keep stopping to remind myself of things like precepts, tenets, parts of the eightfold path and the noble truths . . . it's a reeducation!

And so it begins

It seems that in the recent weeks all the change that has occurred in our life has propelled my mind into a spiral - neither really downward or upward - just a continual circle.

I think that a lot of it hit a head the other day when I had someone outright balk at me for not being of the Christian faith. This seems to have catapulted me into a strong feeling of necessity to hash out what I've put on hold since I graduated college - my world views and my moral frameworks . . . and I feel compelled to do it quickly before I have to teach my children.

When I was in college and studying philosophy, my brain was never given the break to exist in anything other than a constant questioning state. By the time I was done on that last day and had completed 2 20 page theses (1 on ecofeminism and the other on my definition of religion) I think my brain shut off . . . and I let it.

Well - 8 years after the fact, break time is over. I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish, but the first and foremost is being an effective and engaged parent. Being challenged the other day so blatantly has made me realize that the time has come for me to be cemented enough in my belief system and my views on morality because I need to start relaying that to the 2 little people running around my house.

So off to my bookshelf I went to go and recapture what it is I found so appealing about Buddhism in college . . . which lead me to Amazon, because I need a little help redefining and making this applicable to children.

And in an attempt not to clutter up the blog about our family that I intend to print as a chronicle for our children, I've just decided that it will be healthy for me to have a separate page (that most likely no one will read) for my own random thoughts. If nothing else, that BA in Philosophy has at least earned me the ability to be my own devil's advocate and work things out . . . by typing :)

Let the learning and endless talking begin . . . .